I had a general anaesthetic recently, and appear to have woken up in 1983.

There are 3D films being advertised, 3D glasses being given away with tabloid newspapers – even dedicated 3D televisionsbeing produced.

Not proper 3D, obviously – that’s reality. No, this is still the same old shitty faux 3D where things are either split into two colours, or polarised, or stereoscoped.

All of which are very impressive ways of blurring the image and forcing people to wear rubbishy glasses while watching TV. Because it’s 1983.

I imagine it’s pretty shit for normal people, having to wear these glasses – whether they have coloured lenses or fancy shutters or whatever – because they’re invariably of poor workmanship, and deeply uncomfortable. I have yet to find a pair which, for example, fail to dig violently and painfully into the skin above both ears. And for people who aren’t normally spectacled, that’s got to be pretty irritating.

For the nearly blind, however, who ordinarily wear glasses, experiencing this 3D bullshit necessitates donning a second pair of glasses, over the top of your existing pair.

This, I shall point out for the sighted people in my audience, is not at all comfortable. It’s also pretty damn usual for at least seventeen pairs of the oh-so-fancy 3D glasses to snap into their component atoms as you try to squeeze them over your existing lenses, possibly because they’re made from plastics which only existed in 1983.
'modern' 3D glasses
But hey – it’s worth it for the astounding 3D effect!

Except it isn’t. Because – once you’ve finally got a pair of specs on, and you’re just about managing to tolerate the incessant, gnawing pain of the arms digging into your skull – 3D films are shit.

Actually, that’s not fair – they’re much like a normal production, only every 45 seconds something mysteriously rushes towards the camera, but not quite towards you and goes a bit blurry as it sort of (but not really) almost has the effect of coming out of the screen. A bit.

There are only so many times I can see something hurtle towards the screen for no fucking reason whatsoever without wanting to kill the director. And that number of times was exceeded when I was 11 years old, on the Granada Studios tour.

What I shall laughingly call ‘this technology’ is shit enough when you’re forced to endure it in a cinema, although it is at least mitigated by gigantic screens, and the ability to laugh at your friends, who are all wearing stupid 3D glasses and getting migraines.

But why the fuck would we want to pay for this sort of shit in our own homes?

I can only hope that by the time I eventually wake up in the 21st century the entertainment industry will have outgrown this sort of tat.

9 thoughts on “3D

  • 6th June 2010 at 17:46

    I’m still baffled as to why three dimensional television is being produced while smellovision still sits in the land of the theoretical.

  • 8th June 2010 at 06:30

    I didn’t really get 3D the first time around when I was a teenager, I don’t think it’s getting any better with age. My experience with 3D movies: Friday the 13th part 3 in 3D and Jaws 3 in 3D. lol

  • 8th June 2010 at 09:33

    Some friends went to see Shrek 3D and the ticket prices were $11! Regular movie prices are $8. I can’t imagine the effects were good enough to pay an extra $3 per person, especially since most of them are crying kids.

    There’s no way I’m interested in paying for 3D television or sitting around with stupid glasses on my glasses.

  • 10th June 2010 at 16:11

    -4 -3.5 myopic with glasses here, stopped to defend the comfort of the glasses that go with the new television I tried at an electronics store, but on second thought, I’m not going to drop three thousand dollars US on a TV and neither is anyone I know.

  • 10th June 2010 at 18:14

    Some 3D is good but an entire feature film is a bit too much. It is better used as a novelty, in a theme park cinema.

  • 12th June 2010 at 03:55

    @Philip –

    You’re almost as blind as me there, Phil. I struggle to see why Americans would spend any money on decent TVs when your actual picture is still so shitty.

    It’s about time they brought you lot into the 21st century with that – although it’s not often we have better technology than the yanks, so perhaps they shouldn’t (mobile phones and TVs are basically it).

  • 26th July 2010 at 20:21

    I think the last time I tried to see something in 3-D it was before I started wearing contacts, and it wasn’t all that impressive. I haven’t seen any of the more recent attempts at this innovative ‘80s technology.

    • 27th July 2010 at 03:00

      @Fanboy Wife –

      You’re not missing much. They’re all pretty much the same as Jaws 3D.

      They did some 3D breasts (on a serving wench) in Beowulf, but that’s as far as the technology has advanced in the intervening years…


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